![]() The broader takeaway of our work is that these miscalibrated expectations can lead many people to be not quite social enough for their own good and the well-being of others. You might feel nervous before starting a deeper conversation with someone you barely know yet once you do, you might actually enjoy digging a little deeper than you typically do. Our data suggests that something similar can happen when it comes to topics of conversation. ![]() The uneasiness is often unwarranted: Once they take the plunge, they end up having a lot more fun than they did in shallower waters. Think of the trepidation kids have of diving into the deep end of a swimming pool. It’s possible, though, to learn from these positive experiences. READ: Conversations central to sharing the Gospel It’s the misguided pessimism about how these interactions will play out. ![]() The problem, then, is not a lack of interest in having more meaningful conversations. Moreover, the participants consistently told us that they wished they could have deeper conversations more often in their everyday lives. After the interactions occurred, they reported the opposite. People expected that they would prefer a shallow conversation to the deeper one before they took place. In one telling demonstration, we had some people engage in both a relatively shallow and comparatively deeper conversation. The same results even occurred in conversations over Zoom. Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, a man or a woman, you’re likely to underestimate how good you’ll feel after having a deep conversation with a stranger. For the experiments, we recruited college students, online samples, strangers in a public park and even executives at financial services firms, and similar patterns played out within each group. You’re likely to underestimate how good you’ll feel after having a deep conversation with a stranger It turns out that, more often than not, strangers do want to hear you talk about more than the weather they really do care about your fears, feelings, opinions and experiences. Misconceptions over the outcomes of deeper conversations may happen, in part, because we also underestimate how interested other people are in what we have to share. ‘In the Cafe’ (1891) by Belgian artist Jan Moerman Yes, others do care at work, school and church And then you might never realize that your expectations are off the mark. If you mistakenly think a substantive conversation will feel uncomfortable, you’re going to probably avoid it. These mistaken beliefs matter because they can create a barrier to human connection. Mistaken beliefs matter because they can create a barrier to human connection In other experiments, we asked people to write down questions they would normally discuss when first getting to know someone – “weird weather we’re having these days, isn’t it?” – and then to write down deeper and more intimate questions than they would normally discuss, like asking whether the other person was happy with their life.Īgain, we found that the participants were especially likely to overestimate how awkward the ensuing conversations about the more meaningful topics would be, while underestimating how happy those conversations would make them. Furthermore, they felt happier and more connected to the other person than they had assumed. But after we prompted them to actually do so, they reported that their conversations were less awkward than they had anticipated. These participants believed they would feel somewhat awkward and only moderately happy discussing these topics with a stranger. ![]() READ: Study finds friendships get harder to find with age In several experiments, the participants first reported how they expected to feel after discussing relatively weighty questions like, “what are you most grateful for in your life?” and “when is the last time you cried in front of another person?” People usually only disclose their deepest disappointments, proudest accomplishments and simmering anxieties to close friends and family.īut our experiments tested the seemingly radical idea that deep conversations between strangers can end up being surprisingly satisfying. Because of these mistaken beliefs, it seems as though people reach out and connect with others less often and in less meaningful ways than they probably should.
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